My yesterday’s, today, and tomorrow’s

Well, I may wind up opening this blog up eventually but I am going to continue writing as if it’s private still.

I have been writing for myself, I hesitate to say journaling as it can have a negative connotation. But really, any type of journaling or blogging is usually just an extension of what we feel-the good, the bad and the crazy. It can be motivating, helpful, a dumping ground or freeing for the writer. Everyone has their own idea or expectation for what they are writing. Some have themes or messages to guide the reader, some are for teaching, and others are for entertainment.

I have no intention for anything at this point. These are my thoughts, and I have been encouraged to get them out in whatever way I would like. Traditionally, I am a pen to paper girl, but then I wind up with papers randomly stuffed in drawers after providing myself quite a hand cramp. Back when I was kid it was my only outlet as we had a VCR and no computers. I would wind up reading some of these outlet scraps some 2 years later and think “wow-who was I?” even though I could vividly remember each emotion.

This blog will save my hand and allow me to choose if, and when I want to go back in time and read where I was at. I can already see I have either been happier (as I mentioned last year), or I have been sitting on my feelings and chasing around my 2-year-old instead. at this point I will admit to both sentiments being right, depending on the day.

So far mother-hood has provided me so much joy, I find so much of my happiness in my daughter. Seeing the world through her eyes has created many fun-filled moments. She brings such life to our home, and my husband and I share great joy in being her parent’s. Now I need to learn to find the balance, a never-ending struggle I hear, between being a wife, mother and a person. Just me.

I have dealt with some big things in the last year. I finally wrote and confronted the Canadian adoption agency that handled our adoption process with Haiti-especially after the earthquake. It was a long, drawn out task, a lot of writing, a lot of anger and tears. I would say the end result was less than satisfying, but when would anyone expect a company to take responsibility for wrong doing? For them, I assume that they do not want to be held liable for a service we paid $10,000.00 for, and admitting they failed us could leave them open. I had no intention of suing them or asking for compensation-I wanted them to be made aware of the issues and change their policies. After many back and forth emails following my complaint letter being sent not only to them but the head of provincial adoption, I received a 2 paragraph letter from a member on the board of directors. Months of effort and emotion, reference email communication and facts downgraded to a half page reply letter.

Isn’t that just how life goes? Thankfully I had to decide during the waiting period what I wanted out of this process, and for me it was healing. I wanted to let go of the wrongs I felt and this allowed me that. There were things that I wish they had said, it would have made it a more tidy ending, but I have walked away knowing I said what I needed to.

I have made it my goal to deal with my fear and anxiety before it became part of my parenting style. I do not want my 16 days following the earthquake to impact Nathalia’s little life as she, herself, would have no recollection of those days. It seemed foolish that given what the people of Haiti went through, and all that Rachoul went through to get Nathalia home to us that I needed help? But  I have been going to counselling to learn how to deal with all my emotions related to our experience with the adoption post earthquake, and the impact it had on my heart.

So on the checklist of life: I should write more often, spend money less often. Cook waaaay more often, eat take out waaaay less often. Exercise more, sit on the couch less . I need to acknowledge my feelings, and acknowledge how my husband is feeling too. I need to not allow another person’s view to impact my own and most of all trust my instincts. Easy Peasy.

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Mother’s Day

I just celebrated my first Mother’s Day this past weekend. At the age of 38 it feels late but as I understand it isn’t as odd these days. One would think motherhood has been something I have been trying for forever but it isn’t, I’m a late bloomer! I have, however, waited a couple of years for this but didn’t know just how much until this past January.

My husband and I were matched with Nathalia in October ’09 and traveling to Haiti in February 2010 to sign the first Haitian documents for our adoption process. We expected to be a family by the summer of 2010.

On January 12th we received a text message asking if everything was ok, “earthquake in Haiti”. I cannot describe what went on in my heart, the denial of the magnitude of things was quickly washed away the first time I turned on CNN. From that moment on life was encompassed with fear, hurt, hope, angst and endless prayer.

The first weekend after the devastating quake I was without hope that we would be among the families assisted by the government. I realized we were missing a document we needed, and those who should have helped us would not be. I was broken, more than I have ever been in my life.  Nancy, a friend with children in Haiti and I were both caught in the paperwork trap and afraid.  Through tears I told Nancy that I now knew, more than ever, I wanted to be a mom. The fear about wondering if I would ever be “good enough” was quickly replaced with the fear it might not happen.

After a sixteen-day struggle, on January 28th we received an email confirming that our daughter would be flown out of Haiti. The children at our orphanage had been living outside for more than a week; they were out of the specific formula that Nathalia needed, and low on all other basic needs to survive. Rachoul our orphanage director had fought to help our family while caring for the children, nannies and her family.

On the 30th we were in Ottawa to watch the plane land. A gracious woman handed my husband and I our daughter, and she was in our arms for the first time. It was so surreal I couldn’t even cry, I clung to every moment. My friend Nancy was there, our girls came home to us on the same flight. At the end of the day we sat beside each other and just breathed our miracles in.

3 months later, this past Sunday I went to church and stood with the other Mother’s for the first time. I knew I had the right to be standing. But I cannot deny that there is much turmoil as I stand, my mind is in Haiti. I think of the children who lost Mother’s on January 12th, of the Mother’s who lost children. I think of the children who are now being born- harmed or hurting as they are without homes, shelter, food and protection.

My mind wanders to the Mother’s who cannot fight for their children, their spirit’s broken as they face so many losses. My heart breaks for those that before January 12 never felt that they had to choose between being a Mother and giving their child a chance to survive. Now they arrive at the gates of an orphanage to give their child up. Suddenly, they have no home, no job, no clothes, no food, and no shelter. After being a mom for 4 years, for the sake of the survival of their child, they make a heart-wrenching selfless decision. I stood on Mother’s Day and in my heart I stood with them.

This Mother’s Day I say thank you to my mom, for how she raised me and all she taught me, I pray that I can be like her. I am blessed to have her still in my life to meet her granddaughter, I know what a gift this is and to not take it for granted.

Most of all I want to recognize Florence Derise, as her sacrifice offered me the greatest gift a woman ever could.  Motherhood.

 

IMG_1396 mother daughter-10

Hello world!

I sit here staring at my computer wondering what to write? I have so little to say, but so much on my mind.

For now I will acknowledge that I have a lot swirling in my mind with regards to goals in my life, some very simple-get organized, reserve time for what is important to me. Both goals tie together to what I have been obsessing about- think of what I am doing today and how it will impact my tomorrow.

I have a vision of myself sitting at my kitchen island working on my computer, my house tidy, my dinner menu planned, my daughter Nathalia happily playing and I am working on one of my future projects.

I know that to some extent it will happen, the house may not be clean-Nathalia may not be playing but my husband would be thrilled if it was dinner and a step towards getting my project going. He is very encouraging, and on board with my goals, but most of all he loves my cooking.