Well, I may wind up opening this blog up eventually but I am going to continue writing as if it’s private still.
I have been writing for myself, I hesitate to say journaling as it can have a negative connotation. But really, any type of journaling or blogging is usually just an extension of what we feel-the good, the bad and the crazy. It can be motivating, helpful, a dumping ground or freeing for the writer. Everyone has their own idea or expectation for what they are writing. Some have themes or messages to guide the reader, some are for teaching, and others are for entertainment.
I have no intention for anything at this point. These are my thoughts, and I have been encouraged to get them out in whatever way I would like. Traditionally, I am a pen to paper girl, but then I wind up with papers randomly stuffed in drawers after providing myself quite a hand cramp. Back when I was kid it was my only outlet as we had a VCR and no computers. I would wind up reading some of these outlet scraps some 2 years later and think “wow-who was I?” even though I could vividly remember each emotion.
This blog will save my hand and allow me to choose if, and when I want to go back in time and read where I was at. I can already see I have either been happier (as I mentioned last year), or I have been sitting on my feelings and chasing around my 2-year-old instead. at this point I will admit to both sentiments being right, depending on the day.
So far mother-hood has provided me so much joy, I find so much of my happiness in my daughter. Seeing the world through her eyes has created many fun-filled moments. She brings such life to our home, and my husband and I share great joy in being her parent’s. Now I need to learn to find the balance, a never-ending struggle I hear, between being a wife, mother and a person. Just me.
I have dealt with some big things in the last year. I finally wrote and confronted the Canadian adoption agency that handled our adoption process with Haiti-especially after the earthquake. It was a long, drawn out task, a lot of writing, a lot of anger and tears. I would say the end result was less than satisfying, but when would anyone expect a company to take responsibility for wrong doing? For them, I assume that they do not want to be held liable for a service we paid $10,000.00 for, and admitting they failed us could leave them open. I had no intention of suing them or asking for compensation-I wanted them to be made aware of the issues and change their policies. After many back and forth emails following my complaint letter being sent not only to them but the head of provincial adoption, I received a 2 paragraph letter from a member on the board of directors. Months of effort and emotion, reference email communication and facts downgraded to a half page reply letter.
Isn’t that just how life goes? Thankfully I had to decide during the waiting period what I wanted out of this process, and for me it was healing. I wanted to let go of the wrongs I felt and this allowed me that. There were things that I wish they had said, it would have made it a more tidy ending, but I have walked away knowing I said what I needed to.
I have made it my goal to deal with my fear and anxiety before it became part of my parenting style. I do not want my 16 days following the earthquake to impact Nathalia’s little life as she, herself, would have no recollection of those days. It seemed foolish that given what the people of Haiti went through, and all that Rachoul went through to get Nathalia home to us that I needed help? But I have been going to counselling to learn how to deal with all my emotions related to our experience with the adoption post earthquake, and the impact it had on my heart.
So on the checklist of life: I should write more often, spend money less often. Cook waaaay more often, eat take out waaaay less often. Exercise more, sit on the couch less . I need to acknowledge my feelings, and acknowledge how my husband is feeling too. I need to not allow another person’s view to impact my own and most of all trust my instincts. Easy Peasy.