My journey to motherhood was a battlefield; my mothering experience has been one of joy and thankfulness. But in recent months there have been little cracks developing in who I am as a person, away from being a mother. A child is an incredible gift, one that has the power to make you become acutely aware of what was tarnished, broken or missing from your own childhood. I have learned I will never be able to be the mother I hope to be until I deal with the child I was, that remains within me.
When you choose to become a parent by way of adoption in Canada there is a required education component to being approved. When you choose to adopt transracially there are countless courses and resources on how to do so. When your child is home there are other parents who have walked the road before you, and articles to support almost any situation you may encounter. You often can choose how prepared you want to be.
However, as a child you just become a member of your family. No choices, no guidance, no advice. We all navigate some bad experiences in childhood; many times we celebrate the good. Hopefully, life has offered you balance between the two.
Often times, when the balance is lacking and we carry some memories with us that were perhaps not what our parents ever intended. Some are dealt with, talked about and worked through. Some are buried. Some things seem unimportant until we have our own little girl or boy in front of us and we cannot imagine them ever being hurt.
I have become aware that how I parent, and what I dream of for my child is based on what I felt was missing for me. Doing better, or doing right by my child is the driving force behind many of my choices. My focus is not on baking, or activities, or keeping a perfect home. It is purely emotional, being there for her, helping her grow in confidence and letting her know she has a voice. All valuable lessons, but they control me. I will never be perfect; and I will never be free of making mistakes. I will do my best, and hopefully she will be free enough to tell me what she needs.
As adults we can put on glad faces and do all the right things in front of others but who are we in our quiet moments? What do we think about? What do we say to ourselves? What do we fear? A child will make all of these thoughts, fears and feelings so much more obvious.
I must come to terms with what I needed as a child, what I didn’t receive and what I hear in the quiet. These are my issues and I cannot save my daughter from something that may not necessarily exist for her.
This year will be one spent working on me. I must see beauty in myself before I can truly appreciate the beauty around me. I must understand that the love of my husband and daughter will not fill the emptiness created by me not loving myself. I must believe in myself first, or I will never truly accept that someone else believes in me.
This coming year brings the promise of growth, for my family and me. I am thankful for my daughter and how this little person has stirred within me a desire to be better to myself. I know I will be more for her than who I dreamed to be because I will not be choosing from a place of fear. I know the child within me is safe and loved because I am the one holding her.